8 days in, my year feels wide open. I am unemployed and on the verge of a huge move out of the country – perhaps for good – and right now, it feels like my life could go in just about any direction. It’s an exhilarating feeling but one that’s laced with its share of anxiety as well.
Where will this year take me? I wonder several times each day as I count down to my departure date. I play out different scenarios in my head – jobs, travel, relationships – fantasies, really, but it’s fun to daydream about when I find a spare minute. Mostly because I’m at a point in time where I feel that literally anything could happen and I’ve never felt that more keenly than now. Before I’ve always been able to map out the next few months – if not years – of my life. First I had university, then I had a job. But now…?
Sure, the blanks leave room for the usual fears. Will I get a job? A good job? One that I will love? Will I make it all work? But right now everything feels far too shiny and new to be that scary. It’s funny how new years always have that effect on me. I did not feel at all Christmassy this year, but when my clock switched from 11.59 pm Dec 31 2010 to 12.00 am Jan 1 2011, I felt that old-new thrill once again. What a feeling! The world was brand new again, and so was I. Continue reading New Year; Start; Life.
I love new beginnings. There’s something about them that’s clean, fresh, sunny. Like the early morning sunlight of a new day. The dew is fresh on the grass, the earth smells clean and damp, the world is reborn once again. It’s an amazing feeling.
I love new years precisely for this reason. I know it’s a man-made concept, I know that it’s rather meaningless in the end, but something just… changes. I always associate a new year with this fresh, hopeful feeling… Like you’ve woken up to a world made entirely of clay – a world that you can change and mold to fit a better you. A you that you can mold to make the world just a little nicer to live in.
This past year has been insanity. So beautiful. So terrible. So perfectly flawed. I have made so many good friends and so many mistakes. I have had the best and worst times of my life so far. I have fallen in love. I have struggled with myself and my family. I have never been so unkind. I have never been more giving of my love. I met people who have changed the way I think and feel. I met people who made me feel glad to just be in the same room with them. I met people who terrified me with how much of them I could see in myself. I kept so many secrets. I broke so many promises – mostly to myself. I got burned but I burned bright. I pushed aside people I should have kept close, I got close to people I didn’t entirely trust. There have been times that I have never felt more beautiful on the outside. But there have also been times that I have never felt so small and ugly on the inside. I have never felt this constant need to be forgiven as I strongly as I do now, and this need goes out to so many people. I took incredible risks but the dare-devil adrenalin rush it gave me was worth it, even when they didn’t go the way I wanted.
I have very, very few regrets. Continue reading Here comes the sun