8 days in, my year feels wide open. I am unemployed and on the verge of a huge move out of the country – perhaps for good – and right now, it feels like my life could go in just about any direction. It’s an exhilarating feeling but one that’s laced with its share of anxiety as well.
Where will this year take me? I wonder several times each day as I count down to my departure date. I play out different scenarios in my head – jobs, travel, relationships – fantasies, really, but it’s fun to daydream about when I find a spare minute. Mostly because I’m at a point in time where I feel that literally anything could happen and I’ve never felt that more keenly than now. Before I’ve always been able to map out the next few months – if not years – of my life. First I had university, then I had a job. But now…?
Sure, the blanks leave room for the usual fears. Will I get a job? A good job? One that I will love? Will I make it all work? But right now everything feels far too shiny and new to be that scary. It’s funny how new years always have that effect on me. I did not feel at all Christmassy this year, but when my clock switched from 11.59 pm Dec 31 2010 to 12.00 am Jan 1 2011, I felt that old-new thrill once again. What a feeling! The world was brand new again, and so was I.
It wasn’t long before I immediately got to writing a “Resolutions/To-Do” list – an old and favourite ritual of mine. Despite being rather disorganized and generally chaotic by nature, I’m quite paradoxically a serial list-writer as well. I can condense everything from groceries to life plans into lists and graphs and columns with neat headings. Once done, I may never look at them again, but they give me a sense of peace and help me think things through. This particular list has now reached #32 – and it’s one I want to keep adding to. I’m making good on a few already too. I’ve started drawing again – after ages. I’m reading a wonderful new book – Siddhartha by Herman Hesse. I told off some cat-calling morons on the street instead of keeping quiet like I usually do and, hopefully, this post and the fact that I’ve started keeping a journal again are signs that my writing will take a more inspired turn soon. This blog has been silent for far too long – I’ve missed it terribly.
I’ve always had a bit of a phoenix complex and tend to view every new year as a chance at rebirth; rejuvenation; reinvention. The impending move feeds these flames all the more. I’ve probably learned more during the past 3 years than I have in all my years before that – in terms of my career, family, love and everything else. I’ve had some great times; some bad; but all of it has felt like learning. I’ve made many mistakes but only now do I feel as if I have put enough distance between them and myself to have really gained something from them.
Leaving it all behind seems fitting now: it finally seems to be the right time for me to grow up and move on. So here I am, consumed by fire, waiting impatiently to rise from the ashes once again.
There’s not much I’m going to take with me. Just a bunch of clothes, some old photographs and a few books I couldn’t live without. What more do you need when you’re starting from scratch? :)