New Year; Start; Life.

By bekahx3

2011, folks.

8 days in, my year feels wide open. I am unemployed and on the verge of a huge move out of the country – perhaps for good – and right now, it feels like my life could go in just about any direction. It’s an exhilarating feeling but one that’s laced with its share of anxiety as well.

Where will this year take me? I wonder several times each day as I count down to my departure date. I play out different scenarios in my head – jobs, travel, relationships – fantasies, really, but it’s fun to daydream about when I find a spare minute. Mostly because I’m at a point in time where I feel that literally anything could happen and I’ve never felt that more keenly than now. Before I’ve always been able to map out the next few months – if not years – of my life. First I had university, then I had a job. But now…?

Sure, the blanks leave room for the usual fears. Will I get a job? A good job? One that I will love? Will I make it all work? But right now everything feels far too shiny and new to be that scary. It’s funny how new years always have that effect on me. I did not feel at all Christmassy this year, but when my clock switched from 11.59 pm Dec 31 2010 to 12.00 am Jan 1 2011, I felt that old-new thrill once again. What a feeling!  The world was brand new again, and so was I. 

It wasn’t long before I immediately got to writing a “Resolutions/To-Do” list – an old and favourite ritual of mine. Despite being rather disorganized and generally chaotic by nature, I’m quite paradoxically a serial list-writer as well. I can condense everything from groceries to life plans into lists and graphs and columns with neat headings. Once done, I may never look at them again, but they give me a sense of peace and help me think things through. This particular list has now reached #32 – and it’s one I want to keep adding to. I’m making good on a few already too. I’ve started drawing again – after ages. I’m reading a wonderful new book – Siddhartha by Herman Hesse. I told off some cat-calling morons on the street instead of keeping quiet like I usually do and, hopefully, this post  and the fact that I’ve started keeping a journal again are signs that my writing will take a more inspired turn soon. This blog has been silent for far too long – I’ve missed it terribly.

I’ve always had a bit of a phoenix complex and tend to view every new year as a chance at rebirth; rejuvenation; reinvention. The impending move feeds these flames all the more. I’ve probably learned more during the past 3 years than I have in all my years before that – in terms of my career, family, love and everything else. I’ve had some great times; some bad; but all of it has felt like learning. I’ve made many mistakes but only now do I feel as if I have put enough distance between them and myself to have really gained something from them.

Leaving it all behind seems fitting now: it finally seems to be the right time for me to grow up and move on. So here I am, consumed by fire, waiting impatiently to rise from the ashes once again.

There’s not much I’m going to take with me. Just a bunch of clothes, some old photographs and a few books I couldn’t live without. What more do you need when you’re starting from scratch? :)

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The real truth is, I probably don't want to be too happy or content. Because, then what? I actually like the quest, the search. That's the fun. The more lost you are, the more you have to look forward to. What do you know? I'm having a great time and I don't even know it. - Ally McBeal

16 thoughts on “New Year; Start; Life.”

  1. I’ll miss you here when I visit G12, but I know you’re going to have the most fantastic of times in Oz. I look forward to hearing your tales next time we meet and treasure our friendship.

    RD xx

  2. RD – I’ll miss you too, R but believe me that last time will NOT be the last time we ever see each other. I’m not that easy to get rid of! RD Towers will get a visit from me yet. Just wait and see :)

    Sanj – :)

    Dee – Thanks love!

    Angel – Hopefully I’ll be able to provide you (and myself) with them!

    Java – Aw, thanks – sad we haven’t seen each other in ages but oh well, I’ll visit again soon and hopefully it will coincide with one of your rare trips into the city as well :P In the meantime, have fun in your little slice of heaven :)

  3. Thanks, all! Have a wonderful year yourselves. I resolve to get back into blogging AND reading blogs again, so hope to hear all about it :)

    Nonreactive Glass – A newcomer! That’s always fun :) Glanced through your blog and your poetry’s really beautiful. Looking forward to more. Happy New Year.

  4. What a wonderful and inspiring way to view both the new year, and a new life.

    You write so well.I am sure there will be more of that in your future.

    Best of Luck – you ll have the most amazing time, I am sure of it. You are fully open to the universe, so many things will be drawn in..

    See you in Oz, Lanka, or wherever.


  5. C – Thank you for the wonderful comment, C. I really am waiting for my new life to begin and feel much more positive this year than I did the last. I think a lot of that has to do with the people I met or simply associated with last year – you are one of them :) I’m sure we will see each other soon. Drag Uncle and come to Aus to visit! I’ll bait you with cookies :)

    Delilah – For you too :)

    Cyrstal – Umbrellas and I don’t mix. I buy one and lose it immediately. It’s happened too many times for it to be a coincidence. Haha. Thanks :)

  6. Hey Gyp, sorry I missed-out on all these events – I was away from my blog too. By now you would have arrived at your next chapter in life – and best of luck, may it be a fabulous year ahead, may it be all what you ever wanted.

    Keep writing when you can, you are too good to forget!

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