A rare (or lately not so rare) moment of boredom at work finds me sitting cross-legged in a big blue chair, scribbling this into a notepad. This sneaky attempt to appear extremely busy and important is foiled by the iPod which is quite obviously plugged into both ears, effectively drowning out the noise of the office around me. Subtlety is my forte, apparently.
So here I am. And like any self-respecting Ally McBeal fan, I’ve got Barry White crooning sexily in my ear. Honestly, it’s unfair that someone who can actually sound like sex could be so… ugly. Guess God was forced to make some sort of tradeoff, otherwise the poor man would’ve been dead by puberty from an overload of fawning females.
Baby oh baby, girl what am I gonna do?
Oh baby sweet baby, my baby, what am I gonna do with you?
I suppress a strong urge to run to our loo and manically perform a John Cage like Barry-inspired dance. I’ve done it before, mind, (after ensuring, of course, that I was alone) and it’s enormously therapeutic. There’s nothing quite like cracking yourself up. Our loo is the best place for it really – no where as classy as the unisex in the TV show but it’s got 3 mirrors each on opposite walls so you’ve got 6 mirrors to watch yourself being a dumbass in. It’s brilliant.
Hang on. My Barry White play list is over. I pause my scribbling to press ‘Repeat’.
Ahh. Much better.
I decided that I didn’t want to get married late last year but if I did, this would be the perfect choice for my first dance: “I’ve Got So Much To Give”. Just hearing the song makes me yearn to be in love and happy again. I’m listening to it now with a goofy grin on my face, swiveling dreamily around in my chair.
Someone said to me recently, “I want to see you on your wedding day”, and I don’t know why but the words just stayed with me. My new determination not to get married comes from a loss of faith in the ability of people in general to do justice to the institution. The idea of marriage is beautiful and appeals to my love of romance but I’ve met too many people in the past year who have just convinced me that it’s a risk I don’t think I’m willing to take. Even if I find someone I want to be with for a long, long time. I said ‘even if’. But maybe I mean ‘especially if’. If I find that person, I want them to stick around. These days marriage seems more of a trap people are dying to escape more than anything else. Ok. I know how jaded that sounds. And I’m not superstitious, but I can’t help thinking I met these people for a reason. Who knows.
Of course, there will be exceptions. My sister got married last year and it was the most perfect wedding and she the most perfect bride. Beautiful, happy, marrying the only man she ever had eyes for. It was a fairy tale, but I have my suspicions that she’s one of the lucky ones.
Still, there’s a part of me that wants a wedding regardless. For all the wrong reasons of course. The main one being the big white dress. Yeah, yeah: I’m such a girl. But I’ve been dreaming of that dress long before I began even thinking about who’d be standing beside me.
I don’t want a big wedding. My initial plan was to get married in a big field with only the priest, a violinist, my fiancé and myself present. Upon hearing this plan my family broke out into thunderous mutters and I caught a few words like “disowning” and “go to hell” so the idea was quickly abandoned. But minimal guests would be the way to go. I’m crowd-shy.
In reality, I have no clue what my idea of a perfect wedding would involve. I have a few hazy opinions about colours and flowers and things but I know my mind will change a hundred times by the time I actually have to think about it for real. So I don’t really care about the details as long as I have absolute say on 3 major aspects of it.
- The dress
- The music
- The husband
Both the husband and the dress will have to be fantastic. And every single note played on the day will have to go through me first.
Ok. I’ve just been on a wedding trip. Scary.
Plunging right back into it, though… that’s the plan for now. No to marriage. But yes to big party and pretty white dress. Why not right?
I love stories of unconventional weddings. Most of the time they are largely ridiculous and it’s fun to laugh at them. But then again who knows? People reading this post could be thinking the same thing about me. That being said, I know a guy who’s getting married this year who wants all his bestmen to be his ex-girlfriends. I’m still deciding if I think the idea is adorable or mental. At any rate, I think my idea of a non-wedding wedding is pretty tame in comparison.
Guess I should get back to work….
This is a break from my usual style of writing but I’m currently sans inspiration on the creative, soulful front. Till then, waffly posts about Barry White and white dresses will have to suffice.