My heart broke again last night.
But I think it was for the last time. Finally. For the last time.
Strong inadvertently told me that he was in love with someone else. He proclaimed it to the world and for the first time, I couldn’t ignore it any longer.
That knowledge should kill you. It really should. You should be able to just stop breathing. Stop existing. You shouldn’t have to exist carrying that with you. Like a bullet that stays embedded in the flesh, festering, poisoning.
I had known it all along. I could tell, every time he said her name, I could see it in his eyes when he was at his lowest, drowning in wave upon wave of anguished guilt about how he treated her.
I never inspired emotion of that magnitude within him, although he inspired that within me. Everyday I loved him. Everyday he didn’t love me back.
Continue reading Bang, bang…My baby shot me down
My story starts with heartbreak.
Funny that I decided to start writing publicly now – at the most difficult time of my life. I think maybe there’s something about heartbreak that you just need to share… not just with anybody, but with virtual strangers. I can talk more about my life to mere acquaintances than to my closest friends. Is that strange?
I’ve never been a fan of letting those closest to me see me at my weakest. I hate crying in front of people – I have always cried alone. In the recent past, all that has changed drastically because of this one person who has now not only seen me cry hundreds of times but has also seen me hit rock bottom. Seriously. Rock. Bottom. Worse, he knows it is all because of him. That is the worst kind of power you can give someone over you. And, to my absolute horror, I’m handing it to him on a silver platter. Worst of all, the process is ongoing. I know I’m doing it, I’m absolutely appalled that it’s happening, but I can’t stop it.
Not to over-think things or anything (! I seem to have become an expert on that front), but somehow I think that’s linked to why I can’t talk to my family or closest friends about what I’m going through. Sure, I have in a way, but it’s been on a mostly superficial level. It’s that fear of letting those closest to you see you at your most vulnerable. I’m knowingly making that mistake with him and that’s enough for a lifetime. Continue reading The kindness of strangers