I love new beginnings. There’s something about them that’s clean, fresh, sunny. Like the early morning sunlight of a new day. The dew is fresh on the grass, the earth smells clean and damp, the world is reborn once again. It’s an amazing feeling.
I love new years precisely for this reason. I know it’s a man-made concept, I know that it’s rather meaningless in the end, but something just… changes. I always associate a new year with this fresh, hopeful feeling… Like you’ve woken up to a world made entirely of clay – a world that you can change and mold to fit a better you. A you that you can mold to make the world just a little nicer to live in.
This past year has been insanity. So beautiful. So terrible. So perfectly flawed. I have made so many good friends and so many mistakes. I have had the best and worst times of my life so far. I have fallen in love. I have struggled with myself and my family. I have never been so unkind. I have never been more giving of my love. I met people who have changed the way I think and feel. I met people who made me feel glad to just be in the same room with them. I met people who terrified me with how much of them I could see in myself. I kept so many secrets. I broke so many promises – mostly to myself. I got burned but I burned bright. I pushed aside people I should have kept close, I got close to people I didn’t entirely trust. There have been times that I have never felt more beautiful on the outside. But there have also been times that I have never felt so small and ugly on the inside. I have never felt this constant need to be forgiven as I strongly as I do now, and this need goes out to so many people. I took incredible risks but the dare-devil adrenalin rush it gave me was worth it, even when they didn’t go the way I wanted.
I have very, very few regrets.
But I am panicking. There’s a feeling inside of me that is restless and apprehensive. As I write, I can feel my heart race a little as I try and identify what this is and what it’s trying to tell me. I feel not exactly as if I’m at a fork in the road, but as if I’ve already taken the wrong one and am charging ahead. Knowing my terrible mistake, but being unable to stop.
It’s time to stop.
The New Year has come to my rescue and I need to grab the opportunity to set things straight with myself and the world. As we are all aware, new years resolutions are made to be broken. BUT, I’ve found that there’s a trick to keeping them or at least getting a good start if one is really serious about sticking by them.
It’s simple really: Don’t wait till the 1st. You’ll either still be drunk from the previous night’s festivities or with your head stuck in a toilet (to borrow Bridget Jones’s charming turn of phrase) nursing a terrible hangover or – for the more conscientious of us – at work too busy to pay the 1st of the year very much attention at all.
Do a little cheat. Start now. Now, when you’re all psyched up and inspired as you put together your little list of resolutions.
Here’s mine. I’m starting today. A day isn’t much of a head start but God knows, I’ll take what I can get.
NYR’s for 2009.
I need to…
- Slow the hell down.
- Stop being so self indulgent. Resist temptation. (I figure, if I can do it with chocolate, I can do it with anything. Yes. Anything.)
- Be careful who I trust. But not stop giving people second chances. Strike a happy balance.
- Be healthier – in what I eat, who I see, what I say, how I act, what I do.
- Try to stave off being jaded.
- Hang onto the side of me that loves being a kid. (The side that giggles a lot and isn’t afraid to act a little goofy sometimes. Life should never be too serious.)
- (That being said…) Face up to responsibilities and consequences.
- Stop running away from conflict just because I hate fighting.
- Travel more by myself.
- Be more independent. But without alienating those who I know I can depend on for anything.
- Keep my fantasy world at bay a little. (I tend to mix and merge fantasy with reality. With disastrous results. Ok. That’s ambiguous. The explanation needs a whole other series of posts to do it justice.)
- Stop romanticizing people – their virtues and their flaws. (But never stop seeing the poetry in a moment, a day, a person.)
- Try to focus on my career despite being the least career-minded person around.
- Learn guitar. And not be so shy about singing in front of people.
- Be careful in general but learn that it is not the same as being afraid.
- Read more. (Because I love reading and barely do it anymore.)
- Learn more and find it fun for the first time.
- Learn how to be alone again. (Alone and happy that is.)
- Hold back on my stubborn pride and ask important people in my life for a little forgiveness.
I think that’s it. For now anyway. It’s an odd number and I’d love to round things off at an even 20 but life’s not like that, is it?
In accordance with my vow to get an early start and NYR #16, here I am, with a new book sitting next to me. Crisp new pages begging to be turned. A story calling out to be read for the very first time. I opened the book a little while ago, pressed it to my nose and drank in that delicious new-book-smell and it gave me a jolt of anticipation. Not only for what I’ll read between its pages but for the unwritten story of my life in the year to come. Even I have to give a wry smile at my own expense because of the melodrama in my own writing! But life is rather dramatic these days and while I hope it’s going to tone itself down (with a little help from yours truly and her NYRs), I kinda hope that some of it sticks around.
As for the rest of the blogosphere and their resolutions – my wish for you all in the New Year is that you keep the ones that mean the most to you and break the others just for the heck of it.
The Gypsy tips her glass to you all. Happy New Year!
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Ps – A beautiful song for a beautiful time of year…