Got caught in the rain today. Well, not caught, really. I just walked right into it. Knowing it was raining, knowing I didn’t have an umbrella. But I wanted to get home so I walked out, mentally preparing myself for what I’d see when I looked in the mirror once I got home. Smudged eye liner, straggling hair, damp jeans and muddy toes. In other words, a mess.
Usually my walks to and from work pass in a blur because I’m plugged into my iPod and my concentration is solely on the song I’m listening to and my accompanying mood. My surroundings fade into a series of vague impressions… Sunlight winking through the trees when I look up, making me squint and smile. The honk of a bad tempered vehicle as it zooms past, barely missing the dreamy looking pedestrian who has strayed from the (largely undefined) sidewalk almost into the middle of the road. The soundless hello from the army guys who man the roads each day and know me well enough by sight not to get offended when I sometimes ignore them, having missed their greeting because of the song blaring in my ears. I tend to look at the roads a lot, trying to dodge everything from puddles, potholes and piles of gravel to large unsavoury dollops of cow dung.
Today I didn’t dare take out my precious iPod because of the rain so it stayed in my cloth bag as I left work. Hugging the bag protectively (and probably unsuccessfully) against me, I set off into the heavy drizzle and wondered at the messes we voluntarily get ourselves into, knowing full well the damage they could do to us.
I seem to have created some sort of niche for myself in this department.
I have problems. I have the option of getting out of them or digging an even deeper hole for myself that will prove harder and harder to get out of. I invariably think and think and think about it. Pause. And then over-think it some more. And after much debate and deliberation, I choose the digging-a-hole option. Every time. Every. Time.
I know it’ll end up hurting me. My mental pros-and-cons list usually carries about a thousand cons and only one pro – “but I want to…”
I know I’ll end up whinging about it to my friends and anyone who’ll listen. I am surprised that they haven’t already hit me over the head with a stone slab with the amount of complaining I’ve done in the past few months. I’ve realized during this brief but anguished period of time, that the true function of friends is to spout out excellent advice that I really should take and control their impatience when I don’t. With the rate I’m going right now though, I predict a great stone slab coming my way in the not so distant future.
And as of recently, I know I’ll end up blogging about it. It’s honestly so therapeutic. I love writing, even when it’s about my hideous relationship problems and the useful side to it is that it forces me to look at things in perspective…and be suitably ashamed of myself.
But, after all is said, done and blogged about…I still do these appallingly ill-advised things. It’s like I’ve split into two different people – one that rushes around breaking every rule in sight, doing about a million things that are eventually going to deliver her a swift kick up the arse and one who is looking on, dumbstruck, horrified and unable to do anything about it.
After lecturing me at length about how much trouble I was getting myself into and hearing my lame justifications, my best friend gave up and told me she was going to leave the conversation. Before she did, however, she gave me one parting blow for me to ruminate on. The words “You need brakes in your life!” appeared in my chat window and then she was gone.
And ruminate I did.
Why do we do this? Self-sabotage? A temporary fix? Insane impulse?
I don’t have any answers. I just know that I do it and that I do it a lot, especially of late. And I can’t blame it on being confused or being taken in by some evil charade. I see everything with crystal clarity. I see that wrong option that is so wrong but so, so right. I get tempted. But I know how wrong it is so I pull away… Only to rush back with double the speed.
It’s a bit like looking out the window, seeing the rain and knowing you’re going to rained on, that you’re going to encounter puddles and get dirty before you reach home…but walking out into it anyway.