Darling

 

I’ve finally run out of things to say to you. Run out of ways to explain how much it hurt when you left.

 

How bright the spark of hope was when you asked me back only to push me away again. How the brightness of each spark dimmed every time it happened. And it happened a lot.

 

Our little cycle.

 

I thought it must mean something that we couldn’t stay away from each other. Surely it must. But every time you proved me wrong. Every time I wound up alone, missing you, with the terrible knowledge that your thoughts of me were being constantly overshadowed by thoughts of someone else.

 

You say you want me but how can I ever believe those words from you again? Everything you have done has gone against it.

 

Such contradictions: You left because you wanted us to work. You avoided a relationship to save the very same one. You want me but you’re thinking of her. You had me in your arms but your jealousy only made me feel inadequate. You want me to wait but you can’t tell me how long. You were the first to bring the word ‘love’ into the relationship but snatched it away just as I fell. In the end, I was saying I love you to someone who didn’t love me back.

 

And still you say you want me. How to believe it?

 

You are surprised by my sudden change. But it was a long time coming. My head throbs with the pain of not being enough. My heart aches to leave you alone with your hurt. I wake up sometimes at night, gasping because I can feel your arms around me, your face pressing into my neck. But you’re not there.

 

Were you ever there?

 

Darling, I miss you.

 

But I have to walk away.

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14 Comments Add yours

  1. penelope says:

    arrancatelo del alma aunque se lleve corazon…

  2. lady divine says:

    hmmm…. people have something or the other…
    Sorry to hear about this… truly am… *hug*

  3. thebohemiangypsy says:

    Thanks Lady D. Sorry for what you’ve been going through as well. Hugs back.

  4. indi says:

    I know what it’s like, from the other end. It sucks all around. She finally talks to me casually, after a year.

  5. thebohemiangypsy says:

    the saddest thing is when both sides are hurting. that’s when it’s hardest to move on. it’s only been a few months for me but it feels like a lifetime. i guess, as everyone keeps telling me, time’s the best healer, even if the healing doesn’t exactly lead to forgiveness.

  6. HD says:

    It’s worse, when the recurrences are only for their personal gains.
    And whatever might be said the feeling of personal inadequacy/failure leaves you numb and questioning still, through d spirals of time.

  7. FINroD says:

    wow sooo beautiful soo beautiful.. sigh.. ive been thru this cycle as well… i guess it never is the same afterwards..

  8. Foxhound says:

    I’m reminded of the song

    Speed Kills by Bush

    “The things we do to the people we love”

  9. thebohemiangypsy says:

    HD: I know exactly what you mean.

    FINroD: Thanks :) It’s funny how universal heartbreak is, isn’t it?

    Foxhound: Downloading it today!

  10. DeeCee says:

    aw :( it’s like quitting cold turkey…once you’re clean, it’s beyond worth it. You are doing the right thing, just walk away.

  11. thebohemiangypsy says:

    DeeCee: Thanks babe. Yeah I will, it’s the best thing for us both.

  12. sabbyaz says:

    Ahhh it’s getting to the point where ‘walking away’, even the thought, doesn’t leave you hyperventilating.

    I have a feeling I’ll be saying ‘beautiful’ a whole lot while reading your blog :)

  13. thebohemiangypsy says:

    Thanks for your comments. Reading them has been fun :) I really hope you’re alright. Hugs. It’s funny how universal pain is, yeah?

  14. Tinaa says:

    You write a lot of beautiful texts ! really i’m jealous ! This one is really good ! and it also fits me ^^ know how you feel.

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