I’ve finally run out of things to say to you. Run out of ways to explain how much it hurt when you left.
How bright the spark of hope was when you asked me back only to push me away again. How the brightness of each spark dimmed every time it happened. And it happened a lot.
Our little cycle.
I thought it must mean something that we couldn’t stay away from each other. Surely it must. But every time you proved me wrong. Every time I wound up alone, missing you, with the terrible knowledge that your thoughts of me were being constantly overshadowed by thoughts of someone else.
You say you want me but how can I ever believe those words from you again? Everything you have done has gone against it.
Such contradictions: You left because you wanted us to work. You avoided a relationship to save the very same one. You want me but you’re thinking of her. You had me in your arms but your jealousy only made me feel inadequate. You want me to wait but you can’t tell me how long. You were the first to bring the word ‘love’ into the relationship but snatched it away just as I fell. In the end, I was saying I love you to someone who didn’t love me back.
And still you say you want me. How to believe it?
You are surprised by my sudden change. But it was a long time coming. My head throbs with the pain of not being enough. My heart aches to leave you alone with your hurt. I wake up sometimes at night, gasping because I can feel your arms around me, your face pressing into my neck. But you’re not there.
Were you ever there?
Darling, I miss you.
But I have to walk away.