I’m having fun again. Haha. Finally! The thrill of it made me want to giggle madly as I walked to work today, listening to Christmas carols for the first time for the year. I avoid local radio in any case, but I make an even more pronounced effort during November and December because hearing those godawful popped-up carols-on-acid never fail to kill my Christmas buzz. So it’s always special when I put on my standard Christmas CD – Carols sung by the Choir of King’s College Cambridge – and drink in those first strains of divine choral music. ‘Ding Dong Merrily On High’ and it made me literally shudder with delight, happy to be alive and in this moment. That feeling was accompanied by another – a sensation of being slightly shocked to be feeling this way and after such a long time.
As I walked on towards work, trying vainly to stifle my grin, I thought about the people I’ve been meeting lately. Happy people, full of energy, refusing to be dragged down by all the stuff they’ve got going on. I love people like that. They inspire me, and make me even more eager to get rid of my blues. And though it’s only been a few days, I feel like I’ve made more progress than I’ve made in the past few months. These people may or may not know who they are but for what it’s worth, I just wanted to send a big THANKS out into the void.
And you know what? I always knew my logic would win out. I’m used to being totally in control of my emotions, which was what shook me about Strong – he made all my sense and logic fly out the window. And don’t get me wrong – it was great. I used to worry endlessly that I would never really fall in love the way they talked about in books and movies and songs because I was too rigid with the way I thought about things, too sensible about how I should feel and react to someone. Then Strong arrived and literally swept me off my feet and it was incredible. It really was.
To be able to just let go and feel. Feel everything.
When we ended, I couldn’t find a good enough reason to justify that end. It was all so vague and up in the air. He explained his side of it till he was blue in the face but it just didn’t convince me. What he did a few days ago changed everything. I spoke to him briefly today and thanked him for his inadvertent gift. He somehow expected me to either not react to it at all or react to it in my usually emotional way and get over it in a short while. How could he not? It had happened hundreds of times before: I would first be devastated, vow to never see him again, then get angry and jealous and rail and rage while he listened patiently, then he would explain and soothe and comfort me and then we would make love and make up. And then a few days later he would do or say something else to start the process all over again. So I can’t blame him for not putting much stock in my words when I told him to let me go.
But this time the change in my own mind was so great, so irreversible that it completely took me by surprise. Somewhere during that devastating night where I shattered and broke so many times over, where I relived every fight, every kiss, every word, every shared look, every gesture, every sign I should’ve seen, every mistake I made, somewhere, somehow, maybe while I drifted off into an exhausted sleep, my strength and logic crept back in and once again took up residence inside me, where they had so long been absent. I welcomed them with open arms.
I’m not always as healthy as I sound here. I have flashes of absolute love, of unadulterated anger. Today’s been a little bluer than the past few days because I have had even a little contact with him which, at the moment, is toxic. My feelings for him are still strong and confused and I need to put some distance between us to get over them. But at least now I know that I can. That’s a huge step for me and I’m so thankful for it. Not for one second do I take it for granted after the struggle of these past few months.
And what better time to be thankful than Christmas :)
I was perusing blogs (as I have been wont to do during my more inactive moments at work) and the ending of TMS’s post on Christmas was so perfect that I just had to steal it and make it the ending to mine…
…I can’t help but imagine that early morning smell of Christmas in the air and sing along to Santa Baby. Maybe that’s just what I need to get over all this. A big huge dose of Christmas cheer and something special under the tree.