My heart broke again last night.
But I think it was for the last time. Finally. For the last time.
Strong inadvertently told me that he was in love with someone else. He proclaimed it to the world and for the first time, I couldn’t ignore it any longer.
That knowledge should kill you. It really should. You should be able to just stop breathing. Stop existing. You shouldn’t have to exist carrying that with you. Like a bullet that stays embedded in the flesh, festering, poisoning.
I had known it all along. I could tell, every time he said her name, I could see it in his eyes when he was at his lowest, drowning in wave upon wave of anguished guilt about how he treated her.
I never inspired emotion of that magnitude within him, although he inspired that within me. Everyday I loved him. Everyday he didn’t love me back.
The signs were there, right from the beginning, I just didn’t want to believe them, I didn’t want to see them. I put on that blindfold myself and refused to take it off, preferring instead to comfort myself with what we did in the darkness.
I’ve been a fool.
A fool for love. I guess there are worse things to be a fool for.
Still, no regret. But slowly, slowly, the seeping in of that awful realization that everyone was right. Everyone I was trying so valiantly to prove wrong. He does love me. At least he WILL. Soon. He will. He cares for me, he wants this, he wants to make this work.
My pleading refrain to anyone who would listen. That awful ‘look’ I told you about before. My willful ignoring of everything they said. Everything they said, which was all too true.
For the first time, it feels over.
I cried all night, pacing around my room, trying to take stock of my emotions while he called repeatedly and text repeatedly, trying to explain. I didn’t answer. When I couldn’t pace any longer I just lay down on the floor and sobbed, huge, racking sobs that shook my whole body and tore out of me until I sounded like an animal even to myself.
I cried for my incredible pain. For all the times I believed this craziness could actually work in my favour. I cried for all my hope which finally crashed and burned with his beautiful words. I cried for his pain. Wanting him to hurt because he hurt me, but also aching to take the hurt away. I cried because I knew I couldn’t. I cried because I knew who could. I cried for all the love that I had inside me, I cried for everything I was willing to do to stay with him. For everything about him that made me love him so much in such a short time. I cried for all the faith I had in him that he didn’t have in himself. I cried for all my feelings that were never returned. For the knowledge that he was a good man, despite all his faults and that I would have loved to love him. I even cried for her, for all the pain I know she must have gone through when they ended. If mine was so great that it crushed all the breath out of me, hers had to have been even worse and I can’t even fathom feeling worse than I do right now. I cried with the realization that if she was who he wanted, that I actually hoped she would come back. I cried for two people who loved each other but couldn’t be together. I cried for the one person who was left truly alone.
The hurt is too much, sometimes I feel I can’t stand it any more. And it’s only been a matter of hours. How to survive this? Oh God, how?
There are too many shards to pick up. Too many infinitesimal pieces that have already been blown away, never to be found again. I have been diminished and nothing will ever be the same again.
Closure. I never knew what it was until last night. Finally, someone dropped the anvil and it gave me a resounding thwack on the head. Finally, the bullet was airborne and it hit with brutal accuracy. Strong pressed the trigger.
Bang bang, you shot me down,
Bang bang, I hit the ground.
Bang bang, that awful sound.
Bang bang, my baby shot me down.