The awakening

by thebohemiangypsy

walk_away_by_iza873

  

I woke up this morning and wished I hadn’t.

 

Memories of the night before immediately sucker punched me in the stomach and I was fighting to breathe for a few minutes, clutching my pillow, squeezing my eyes shut, hoping that by some miracle that I could disappear. I looked at my phone. He had given up trying to explain.

 

As I turned my face towards the jet of steaming hot water in my shower, I wondered when I’d ever felt so irrelevant. So like I just… didn’t matter. I wondered how he could even try and tell me that I wasn’t after what he had done. There was no anger so much as absolute sadness that this time, unlike all the other times, it was actually over. He claimed it wasn’t over for him but for the first time, it was over for me.

 

I think the most amazing thing about being in love with someone is the difference that they make to your life. One of the most chilling, honest lines I’ve ever heard in a film (most girls will immediately identify this) was, “I changed who I was for you”. That’s how I feel. He made a difference, he changed me, he made me stronger, he made me better.

 

I don’t think I made any difference in his life, other than to make him mildly happy sometimes and distract him from greater pains he was trying bury.

 

I tried to soap away the pain, but it didn’t work. My eyes were closed against the water but my tears made their own.

 

A night of crying doesn’t do much for one’s face. Make up couldn’t cover my puffy eyes, or the swollen skin around them. I didn’t care. I wasn’t interested in looking pretty. I ran out of home early, eager to start the day, to get busy, to forget.

 

My walk to work was inspiring. I didn’t think I could feel inspired, given what had just happened, but music surprises you when you least expect it. I put on my iPod and listened to a song I hadn’t heard in ages, Sting’s “Dead Man’s Rope”. It reminded me so much of Strong, of his strengths, his weaknesses, his tendency to walk away from people, his blind fear of failure.

 

Dead Man’s Rope

A million footsteps, this left foot drags behind my right
But I keep walking, from daybreak ’til the falling night
And as days turn into weeks and years
And years turn into lifetimes
I just keep walking, like I’ve been walking for a thousand years

Walk away in emptiness, walk away in sorrow,
Walk away from yesterday, walk away tomorrow,

If you’re walking to escape, to escape from your affliction
You’d be walking in a great circle, a circle of addiction
Did you ever wonder what you’d been carrying since the world was black?
You see yourself in a looking glass with a tombstone on your back

Walk away in emptiness, walk away in sorrow,
Walk away from yesterday, walk away tomorrow,
Walk away in anger, walk away in pain
Walk away from life itself, walk into the rain

All this wandering has led me to this place
Inside the well of my memory, sweet rain of forgiveness
I’m just hanging here in space

Now I’m suspended between my darkest fears and dearest hope
Yes I’ve been walking, now I’m hanging from a dead man’s rope
With Hell below me, and Heaven in the sky above
I’ve been walking, I’ve been walking away from Jesus’ love

Walk away in emptiness, walk away in sorrow,
Walk away from yesterday, walk away tomorrow,
Walk away in anger, walk away in pain
Walk away from life itself, walk into the rain

All this wandering has led me to this place
Inside the well of my memory, sweet rain of forgiveness
I’m just hanging here in space

The shadows fall
Around my bed
When the hand of an angel,
The hand of an angel is reaching down above my head

All this wandering has led me to this place
Inside the well of my memory, sweet rain of forgiveness
Now I’m walking in his grace
I’m walking in his footsteps
Walking in his footsteps,
Walking in his footsteps

All the days of my life I will walk with you
All the days of my life I will talk with you
All the days of my life I will share with you
All the days of my life I will bear with you

Walk away from emptiness, walk away from sorrow,
Walk away from yesterday, walk away tomorrow,
Walk away from anger, walk away from pain
Walk away from anguish, walk into the rain.

 

 

The lyrics are incredible, but the melody of this song was what got me. It was refreshing, hopeful, achingly perfect. I felt a funny sense of doubles as I took the short walk to work. I put Sting on repeat, squinted against the sun and felt strangely refreshed, considering I had got no sleep the night before.

 

I also felt tired, though, but I think that tiredness came from him. It had rubbed off of him and onto me in the time we were together. He was tired of the life he had lived and how he had chosen to live it, of the cards it had dealt him, of how he had played his hand, of how he had treated people, of having to start over time and time again. He was so exhausted by it all and it dragged me down too because I let his problems affect me so much. I was tired for him.

 

I tried to dismiss the feeling and concentrate on the hope in the song which rejuvenated me. I got that feeling I usually get when I’m at the edge of some kind of new beginning. And that’s exactly where I was.

 

By the time I got to work I was covered in a light sheen of cold sweat. I usually hate being all hot and bothered by the time I get to work, but today I felt cleaner than usual, as if I had sweated out a lot of the unpleasantness of the night before.

 

I know there will be days when I am no where near this accepting but I am thankful that today of all days, is one where I feel stronger than I have for a long, long time.

 

He promises to come back. But for the first time, that doesn’t matter to me. I am not going to base my life on his promises which I have found to be empty – not because he is a bad person, but because he has a lot of things to accept himself that he refuses to at this point. I hope he finds happiness. If happiness for him means being with her, then so be it.

 

It feels so good to not feel that awful jealousy. To not hate her. To not hate him or anybody else.

 

Today, I only want to walk away towards something new and wonderful. 

 

 

 

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